Girl Gamer

The Curse of The NPCs

By TUID 2 years, 10 months ago • 2 Comments

Well. It’s been a while. By that, I mean it’s been a while since I last wrote a blog. The gaming has been coming along nicely, Halo 3 Matchmaking aside. I’ve uncovered a new obsession of not only completing games, but attempting to complete them on the hardest possible settings. Unfortunately, in developing my gamer skills, I’ve discovered a new nemesis and a new subject for my gamer-wrath. Honestly, no-one warned me of the fury of dealing with NPCs.

I first became acquainted with allied Non-Player Characters in the original Halo. These smart-talking marines occasionally got in the way of the odd shot, but, on the whole, displayed a suitably respectful attitude and, more importantly, managed to be generally avoidable. Indeed, they were sometimes quite handy, once I’d overcome my initial protectiveness and learned to use them as cannon fodder.

That said, even then, I felt the stirrings of annoyance at their ability to consistently block doorways whenever the Master Chief was stuck inside a building with them. Didn’t they know I had a mission? Weren’t they aware that I was at least ten times as powerful as them, and could melee them into the wall? For a moment, I wondered whether Bungie had deliberately, maliciously developed the game to include the ultimate test of human patience and politeness as I contemplated frag grenading the whole room. Then, I thought I might be over-reacting.

Until I played Halo 3 and Call of Duty 2. My joy at learning that Wash, Mal and Jayne would be accompanying me around the unearthly ring was overshadowed by the realisation that the formerly docile wallpaper-marines had been granted greater AI. Thus, they were more irksome and less escapable than ever. Any English girl who loves sport will be familiar with Aussie sledging. Hardly any will want it in a computer game. I got off easily, it was D who had to endure the constant, “Good of you to turn up, Arbiter!” whenever we co-oped. The incessant chatting pales in comparison to their ability to always get in the way, however. Preparing the perfect sniper shot? Watch out for the marine wandering past your gun. Fancy driving that Banshee? Nope, the marine got there first. Keen to get through that door? No, no, no. The marines are busy obstructing it, discussing amongst themselves their next infuriating move. Probably. They may be more useful in battle, but it won’t stop you wanting to kill every last one of them. And, whatever you do, don’t let them drive your Warthog. My five-year-old nephew would do a better job.

As for our Russian comrades in CoD2, the door-blocking, shot-intercepting, unhelpful-shouting continues. With the catch that, in the event of one of your teammate NPCs bobbing and weaving into your gunfire, you are branded a traitor to the Motherland and the game is promptly finished. The non-player characters may be marginally less tiresome, therefore, but infinitely more significant if you do let them screw up. In this case, I endeavour to temper my itching frustration by putting it into context. Of course they’re a bit unsteady on their feet: millions of Soviet military personnel were dying and it was all rather desperate. That doesn’t mean a computer game has to be so flighty, though. And, unless Bungie are predicting dire circumstances for the future of mankind, it doesn’t offer any excuse for the Halo boys and girls, either.

Essentially, my main problem with the NPCs is the inability to alter their behaviour or exact any meaningful revenge on them. In real life, one can snap and snark at someone interrupting your fire or impeding your progress. When faced with these CPU saboteurs, there is only impotent rage. I feel uncomfortable killing them, but I’m equally ungratified at having to work around them. Worse still, my love of FPS games will no doubt ensure frequent encounters with them in the future. So, I request your help. Which games have you experienced the worst NPC activity? Which games should I avoid like the plague, and which should I be prepared to play with a healthy dose of patience and forebearance? In advance, my innocent controllers and delicate tv screen offer their gratitude…